Week 75

Alright folks, it's here. My last email as a missionary🫢🫣

Last pday we biked the Creeper Trail with president Graham and 14 other missionaries. It was beautiful!!!! It was 17 miles of green lush and there was a cute little food place off the trail that we got food at and I had my final interview with president Graham at a picnic table. It was really fun and he gave my 5 pieces of life advice. I'll share them with yall:) 

1) keep actively studying the gospel and scriptures 

2) make the temple feel like home

3) serve! you don't have to have a calling to serve

4) be a lifelong learner. seek education and find someone equally values learning and education. 

5) always do "better" things instead of "good" things. always prioritize God, let him prevail, and think about him all the time. 

I CANNOT but these last 18 months into words, it's impossible. I'm going to miss so many things, and it has been worth it! I now deeply understand the saying "missions are HARD." We've all heard it whether we have served a mission or not, and I can't tell you how deep and true that statement it. I'm just going to be open and honest as I attempt to explain it.

Physically I am worn and beat. Most missionaries experience physical changes and I definitiely did, resulting in stretch marks all over me. I don't hate them at all though. God gave me this body to do this work, and I'm greatful I was physically able to serve my time, no matter what I look like afterwards. I have two legs to carry me from door to door, two hands to serve others and write my experiences down, two eyes to study the words of the scriptures and see the beautiful south, and a brain and mouth to declare the joyful news of the gospel to everyone I spoke with. Stretch marks didn't get in the way of any of that. 

Emotionally I am also worn, but happier than I've ever been. The amount of excitement and disappointment that I felt on a day to day basis was more than I've ever expierienced in my whole life combined. I can't put it into words, but it's basically like you are like a parent that gets overly excited when someone you are teaching keeps a small commitment or knows something you taught is true. You also feel the heartbreak of people who you have come to love, turn around and let go of everything you have taught them. Or friends who told you they were going to come to church then don't come, or don't show up for a lesson, or block you on their phone, etc. You feel the anger and hurt when strangers take time approach you and tell you all the reasons you are wrong, and speak ill of the church and saying awful false things about church leaders. Yes, I brush it off, but it still hurts a little everytime because these beliefs are part of my being and I don't like being told "what I believe". It take so much emotional energy to get back to a good headspace after you've been verbally beat that bad. It happened time after time, but each time it made me more grateful that I am firmly rooted in my beliefs, and I am the better person for not fighting back. It gives me a sliver of what Jesus Christ must have felt when he was betrayed by his own people. But with all that, nothing compared to the joy that I have felt on my mission. There is something special watching someone learn about the restoration and then have all the pieces come together in their head. Then once they start to act on that knowledge, you sit back and you have the front row seat to watch miracles happen in their lives. This is the greatest work on the earth and the power that comes from the gospel is TRANSFORMING. I can say this because I got to watch it in action for 18 straight months. That has been the best part of my mission hands down. All the downs are completely worth it because of the ups! Once again, I have become a better person because of all these emotionally taxing experiences. I know how to deal with certain situations now and I feel comfortable facing the world ahead of me with emotional resilience. 

Spiritually I have grown immensely. I learned a lot about myself spiritually. About 9 months into my mission I started having doubts and thoughts that were really scaring me and it sparked a "faith crisis" I guess you could call it (it wasn't that serious, i was just confusing myself with my own thoughts). It was terrifying and I did not like the feeling. I felt so dark and confused, but after about a month, lots of prayer, study, work, long talks, and meetings with my mission president, I came out the other end with a MUCH stronger testimony than I began with. It didn't seem that way in the moment, but now that I am out of it I can look back and see the growth. My testimony is everything to me, and if I ever had to die for it, I would. I wouldn't have felt this firm about it if it weren't for those ugly months fighting off doubts. My spirituality has grown and I was forced to truly pick a side and actively feed what I believe. I see the gospel in a whole new light after that experience. The gospel is simple and it explains ALL the questions of the soul. The gospel, specifically the restoration, is BEAUTIFUL. I could go on and on about why I love the gospel and how much I love teaching the restoration , but I've been doing that in every email my whole mission, so I'll spare you the time:) I love the restoration, I love the plan of salvation, and I love the gospel. I am grateful for the commandments because, like a string on a kite, they keep me flying in the air even when it seems restricting. Without the commandments I would be like a kite without a string, unable to enjoy the flight of life. I have also gained such a huge love for the temple since I have had such limited access to it. I got to go to the temple 3 times here and each time I felt like I was home. 

Intellectually I have been tested and stretched as well. I had a pretty basic knowledge of the gospel coming out, but I didn't understand how everything pieced together so perfectly. The restoration would be incomplete without the plan of salvation, and vice versa. I also feel like I understand the character of God a lot more now. I would recommend to anyone to study the book of mormon with a focus on gods character/personalty because when I did this I actually understood and saw evidence that God IS loving! I just super duper love my book of mormon. I feel naked when I'm not carrying it around, so that will be a hard transition haha. It's all marked up, colorful, and worn out, but I will treasure that set of scriptures for the rest of time!

Driving home from the church on Sunday I had this moment of "Wow. You did it Roz. You did a mission, a whole mission." It was really strange that I'm at the end, but I can't believe I did it!! It got really hard about 6 months in, and I remember thinking "you can do one more year" but it felt like it was never gonna end some days. Every skill or weakness you have is used as a missionary and it is hard! But now I'm here at the end and I can look back at this time for the rest of my life as proof that I can do every hard thing that comes my way! I'm excited for life, I'm excited for hard adventures, and I'm excited for the many memories I still have to make with the special people in my life! I don't know if I could do this all over again, and I'm glad I didn't know what to expect before I started, otherwise I might have backed out. BUT now I am a more appreciative person and I see life with a more eternal perspective. I wouldn't take back this time for anything, and I'll forever remember my mission.

I love you all, and I thank you for all the prayers and support. I have a STRONG belief in prayer and the difference that it makes. I can honestly say that without yalls prayers, I wouldnt have seen half of the miracles that I did. There are countless stories in the book of mormon where nations were saved, people say miracles, all because of the prayers of the righteous. Prayer isn't something that we just do to make ourselves feel good. Prayer (if said with faith) can literally call down the powers of heaven. We must not forget this!! Hoping for good things to happen isnt enough. We must pray fervently with faith, and I can promise you that God will eagerly bless you and you will see miracles in your life and in the peoples lives in whom you pray for. If you don't believe this, you are missing out! I know it's true because I have been a witness of it for 18 months. It isn't coincidence or good luck. It is God and his power is on the earth today, many of you know someone who holds a portion of that power! Please please please feast on the words of Christ, follow him each and everyday, remember him, pray for others, serve others, serve God, and show love to everyone no matter your differences.

Well this email is kinda all over the place, and I have so much on my mind. It has been a week of reflection and excitement, and it's hard to squeeze it all into one email. So if you have made it this far into this email, thank you!!! I hope something has made an impact:)

moral of the story:

MISSIONS ARE WORTH IT